So This is Permanence
by digitaljungle80
Summary: “Lily, you keep talking about right and wrong as if they existed.”“Then what does? What does exist for you?” she implored. Severus drank in the sight of her: her beautiful pale face streaked with tears. The only eyes to ever cry tears for me, he thought.


So This is Permanence

It was the final night before the seventh year students at Hogwarts would graduate. Quite a few stayed up late due to a mixture of excitement, giddiness, and alcohol. Some of the more adventurous drank something the Muggle-born called "car bombs" where a shot of firewhiskey was dropped into the butterbeer and slammed. His fellow Slytherins had insisted he celebrate.

"It's not just that we're leaving this prison," Mulciber explained to Severus Snape. "we're finally going to be doing something useful with our lives. No more books and exams; we're adults now."

Severus did not want to interrupt Evan Rosier yelling "Chug!" with an impassioned defense of academia. He did manage a slight roll of the eyes before taking the mug Mulciber had for him.

"Here's to maturity," Severus drawled.

Now Severus stumbled out of the dungeon, through the Great Hall, and up the stairs. The edge of his drunkenness had worn off because he stopped earlier compared to his friends who were now passed out on the common room floor. As they dropped, he had a sudden desire to walk around one last time when no one could bother him. Unlike his friends, Severus never really had a home as a child. School was the first place where he felt like he had a value. He entered a narrow hallway that connected towers; it was dotted with snoring paintings, dimmed torches, and a few narrow windows. Nostalgia washed over him as he looked at a painting of a monk slumbering at his desk, quill still in hand. Severus was struck by how much he would miss everything from the library, the trick staircases, the potions lab…

"Sniveling Snivellus!" Peeves's face popped out of the painting, startling both the monk and Severus. "Why so sad? It's not like you're looking in a mirror! Hahahaha!"

Severus swung his fist through Peeves and into the canvas. The monk was not having a good night.

Peeves cackled as he swooped away.

"I'm sure as hell not going to miss you!" Severus yelled as the poltergeist's laughs faded. "I'm going to get the Baron and he'll – "

"What's going on?" asked a female voice behind him.

Severus spun around. In the dim moonlight through a small window, he could see dark red hair and green eyes.

"Oh," Lily said. "It's you."

Severus stood and stared, not knowing what to say. They had not spoken in two years.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

Severus may not have been drunk but there was enough alcohol left in him to make him say childish things.

"Like you care," he replied and folded his arms.

"I'm Head Girl on patrol for rowdy seventh-years." She folded her arms too and met his hard look. "I have to ask. It's in the rulebook." He stiffened.

She continued with a bland expression. "Chapter Two: Encounters with Peeves. Ask your fellow student if he or she is alright. Ask if he or she needs to go to the hospital. Ask – "

"Yes, I'm fine," Severus snapped. "Sorry to have bothered you."

She sighed. "You didn't."

Lily began to leave but stopped. It had been nothing but a glance here or there in two years. She had to watch him become more involved with the creepiest of the Slytherins and hear rumors of how You-Know-Who wanted to ensnare students from his alma mater into his fold. James had heard that Lucius Malfoy's family were funding You-Know-Who's small but growing army; they referred to themselves as Death Eaters. Lily remembers seeing Lucius speaking with Severus and a couple Slytherins on the last trip to Hogsmeade. Her eyes had met Severus's but he quickly looked back into the haughty – and uncharacteristically intense – face of Lucius before entering the Hog's Head.

She turned back to Severus who still stood with his arms folded but now studied the flagstones on the floor.

"How are you?" she asked.

Severus shrugged. "Fine…yourself?"

Lily gave a faint smile. "Fine. All things considered."

"What does that mean?" Severus frowned.

"You know," she said. "There's a war coming."

Severus laughed. "Rumors. You're all paranoid."

Lily's temper flared. "Really? You-Know-Who isn't planning on wiping out those who aren't pureblood?"

"You don't understand." Severus balled his hands into fists. "While some of his followers may be interested in…" He searched for the right words. Arguing with Lily always made him tongue-tied. "…promoting pureblood culture, others appreciate that he isn't afraid to push the boundaries of magic."

"Spoken like a true convert." Lily's eyes were narrowed into slits. A thin line of green shone through. "You're so blind."

"And you're not?" Severus's voice rose a bit.

"What does that mean?"

"You and…" Severus almost choked on the name. "Potter. After everything, you're no different than any of the stupid girls who fawn over him. Ha, you're no better than Pettigrew." He gave her a smug smile, proud of his little joke.

To his surprise, her anger faded. "He's different now. I wish you could see that. He feels bad about how he used to treat – "

"Stop!" Severus shouted. "You believe that?!"

"Yes," Lily said softly. "I love him."

They had not had a conversation since the night where he almost slept in front of the Fat Lady. He knew she began dating Potter this past year and had seen them holding hands between classes. Yet hearing her say those words made every nerve in his body flare. Her lips continued to move but it was if she was speaking underwater.

"…and he's grown up a lot, which is more than I can say for some people." She finished, the hard look returning.

Severus stood there, his anger growing. He was almost shaking when he finally spoke in a strained voice.

"Does he know? Does he know he wasn't your first kiss?" He practically hissed the last word. Lily flinched and he pressed on, enjoying a brief fantasy about hurting her feelings until she cried. "I bet you're ashamed about what we did. Potter would look at you differently if he knew. If he knew that – "

"Sev," Lily said as she closed her eyes.. "I'm not ashamed." Her eyes opened and they glistened with tears. "It was a kiss between friends…who cared about each other."

He was not finished being angry, and he stepped forward, inches away from her face. "You didn't care. Two days you avoided me. Two days! And then next time I see you, Potter has me upside down, everyone is laughing...even you!" Guilt flitted across her face and Severus took that moment to pounce with what he hoped would cut into her heart. "So don't tell me that you ever cared!"

Lily, however, did not budge. "Don't play this game with me, Severus Snape. I suppose you showed how much you cared by calling me a Mudblood in front of half the school."

She took a step forward and Severus moved back. "We were best friends. We spent summers together. I ignored it when you hung out with those jerks. I pretended not to notice the look in your eye when you'd talk about Dark Magic." Severus's back hit the wall. "I defended you against my friends who thought all Slytherins were the same. I wanted it to be simple like when we were kids. That night I kissed you wishing everything could stay the same but…" A tear ran down her cheek. "It's all going to change."

Lily stood so close to him that when he inhaled, he breathed in her scent. He did not think about his actions but placed his hand on the side of her face, gently wiping the tear away with his thumb. After all this time, she could still see the greed in his eyes, those eyes so dark they appeared black.

"Lily," he said. "Did I ever have a chance? Could you have been mine?"

She took a moment before deciding to tell the truth. "Maybe, if – if you had made better choices."

He tried to smile but felt tears welling. Severus was not going to break down in front of her though. He stepped away before he either cried or kissed her.

"It's not too late," she said. Her voice trembled. "I know you're a good person. You can join us."

"If I do…if I choose not to join You-Know-Who, will you…" He took a deep breath. "Will you be with me?"

"Like it used to be? When we were friends?"

"No," he answered. "Will you marry me?"

"Don't you dare." The tears flowed. "What if I say no?"

"Then I'll know whose side I'm on."

"I don't love you. Not in that way."

"You said yourself that maybe you could have."

"It's too late, Sev. I love him." She tried wiping her tears away with her robe's sleeve. "Why can't you join the Order because it's the right thing to do?" The more upset Lily became, the more a quiet intensity appeared to overtake him.

"You keep talking about right and wrong as if they existed."

"Then what does? What does exist for you?" she implored. He drank in the sight of her: her beautiful pale face streaked with tears. The only eyes to ever cry tears for me, he thought.

"You. Nothing else."

The morning rays peeked through the windows, setting the color of her hair ablaze. He had only a second to notice this before she ran away. A small voice inside said he would never speak with her again.

Seeing her leave him for the second time caused such a physical ache in his chest that he turned around. He jumped when he came face to face with the Bloody Baron. The Baron's sockets moved from Severus to Lily's retreating figure. Severus turned to see a splash of red and the door slam shut.

Severus had forgotten that earlier he wanted to tell the Baron about Peeves, as now he just wanted to crawl into bed. Severus had never realized the hollow look in the Baron's face; it was if he personified remorse. But the Baron did not speak and only glanced at his chains before he drifted towards the dungeon, away from the Astronomy Tower.

Years later, Severus would, on occasion, think about the crossroads in his life. He was not an impractical man who allowed himself to be paralyzed by regret. He would not be able to honor Lily and avenge her death if he retreated into a fantasy world; a world where he had chosen her instead of a search for power and glory that led only to a graveyard.

However, he was only human. Every once in a while, he would allow himself to think back to those moments and replay them. And when he thought about this – their final conversation – it had a considerably happier ending.


End file.
